(See also my post A Nice Lady Who Didn't Have a Husband for more info.)
Reason number II on why I have had difficulty getting my life moving is the overwhelming feeling promoted in the frum community, and the Jewish community as a whole although not as strong, that my existence is totally m eaningless without marriage and /or children.
In my conscious self, I fought against this idea but deep inside it had a strong hold as ever.
So, I was never able to make a long term and financial commitment whether to a particular educational or career path, (including a career opportunity in another country) for fear I wouldn't be able to find someone to marry, or that I wouldn't be able to complete it due to marriage and kids.
In addition, when I got on in age I began to entertain disastrous relationships, feeling that these guys who treated me like shit, might be my last chance.
I wish I could have truly believed in my own self worth as a single person deep inside, could have envisioned a happy though childless me. I suppose I never would have gotten myself into this mess. Hope it turns out for the best.
It's funny I had to get pregnant to realize that this child isn't going to magically make me a person.What a burden to put on this poor kid.
I had imagined that just being pregnant would make me ecstatic (and indeed I do have such moments) but mostly it just reignited all these conflicting feelings from the past.Which is why I started blogging again after all this time....
In a certain way I owe it to my kid, as well as to myself, I think to create a fulfilling life for myself outside of motherhood.... my options are more limited but they are there and I'll find them.