stuffed bunny

Today I was reading an article about a surrogate mother and her feelings about her pregnancy... anyway I burst into tears as she describes walking into a store and finding a stuffed bunny with very long ears that a baby would love to pull on, and her conflict about whether to buy it for the baby or not....

I wasn't even crying about the surrogate as painful as that can be, I was crying because I thought of baby pulling on  those bunny ears and felt this incredible longing to buy a stuffed bunny of all things for my as yet unborn son. Even now the thought of that brings tears to my eyes I don't know why, but they're sort of good, pleasant dears not depressed tears. 

There's a  baby store on my block and I always stop in there, even though all there nice things are for girls and they have almost nothing for boys. So I just have to imagine what I'd like to get him and that makes me start crying again, in a good happy way. But that bunny story just grabbed me somehow.

I haven't bought anything so basic as an undershirt or a diaper yet, hope to get to 

 it after my final exam that I'm taking next week, so why am I even be thinking about bunnies?

Anyway, nothing like shopping for your kid to make you feel like a real mother... 

 

 

 

at last a letter from family about my pregnancy

An email from my baby sister:

Regarding your pregnancy, you are certainly free to conduct your affairs as you see fit
but you appear not to be aware, or are deliberately ignoring , how a family such as ours will react to that kind of news.
The best you can expect is avoidance - I will also choose to avoid  discussing the subject.

but just so that you should be aware, you have hurt your family in one of the most painful ways possible. 

___________________ 

Don't you love when people say they don't want to talk about something but then throw out some outrageous statement at you? What they mean is they don't want to listen, not that they don't want to talk. 

Hurt my family? How???

Once upon a time I had an abortion that didn't hurt anyone but myself. I almost jumped under a bus afterwards. Clearly that was the preferred course of action. 

(When my sister found out about it, she asked me if I was trying to escape my responsibility. I damn well was. Damn well was trying to escape the responsibility of raising a kid absolutely alone in the world).

Hurting my family?

Whose my closest family now, if not my son? 

I wish though I could understand what aspect they think hurts them.

more dreams about the baby

A couple of weeks ago I dreamed that someone, some sort of dr I didn't know, had told me that they had put embryos (don't know whose) inside me via IVF. I They came complete with medical charts and all as proof. I didn't know how they had done it without my knowledge or consent but they were pretty convincing. But they told me I now that I was pregnant it was my baby and I would have to be its mom. I sat there trying to resign myself to the situation. 

After I had that dream I got so depressed I cried non stop for two days straight. I know this is my kid, conceived in the good old fashion way, but sometimes I feel like something strange, someone elses,  was implanted in me. 

Another dream I had before that was so embarrasing I can't even bring myself to write it down on my blog, but it was a repeat of the dream I had previously of being uncertain of who my baby's father is. 

In real life of course I know damn well who he is but sometimes can't come to terms with it. 

However the other night I had a dream that wasn't about babies and pregnancy at all, it was about eating fish of all things, but when I woke up I knew the fish was somehow related to the baby, and that everything was well and happy, despite past regrets. I can't really remember the details and the few details that I did remember don't line up with anything having to do with babies, but I remember feeling it strongly when I woke up. I hope I have another dream.

To snip or not to snip? (circumcision)

I'm  having a boy. 

Up until this point I never realized how negatively I felt about circumcision. 

Funny thing is, I always thought the anti- circ movement is ridiculous and I still do. I never got the whole "mutilation" thing. Most of the men I know have no problem at all being circumcised. I couldn't care less whether other people decide to circumcise their kids or not and I oppose any attempt in any country to cast is as some sort of human rights violation, or compare it in anyway to female circumcision.

(I think it may (may, as in might- not absolutely) affect some men's sexual functioning when they age but to a relatively small extent.)

So, I always thought I'd get my son circumcised if I had one, or just leave it to Daddy to make that decision. After all it's a guy thing, isn't it? 

Well now the moment has come, so why do I feel differently? 

Partly because the importance I place on Jewish identity, even secular Jewish identity, has really gone down recently. So instead of asking "why not?" the question has changed to "why yes?" And it looks totally different from this perspective.

Take earlobes. We don't decide to snip off the tips of the earlobes because hey it will recover quick and be easily forgotton and won't interfere with functioning, so hey, why not? we don't have a reason why yes. so we don't start snipping.

But also because I see the way I've been going about the medical aspects of this pregnancy. All natural. No intervention. No unecessary anything. No  interventions based on statistics on how they help a miniscule number of people. "why not" is not a reason to simply cut off a piece of tissue. After all, I myself never got a boob job or a liposuction did I?

This is what I consider the best medical care.

So I want to treat my kid the same way I treat myself don't I?

 And really, what difference does it make? the decision not to is reversible-  My kid can always choose to do it himself if he really feels so incomplete about it. (Actually, he probably will, growing up in a very Jewish environment for better or for worse....) But the decision to cut is not.

But for baby's daddy, a happy-and-proud curcumcised Jewish man (who is perfectly satisfied with his sexual functioning), circumcision is absolutely non negotiable.

And since I don't think its something so awful and horrible , I don't really have a reason- or means-  to fight him like cats and dogs on it.

But I'm not happy about it. 

the currency of love and control

Today I mentioned to my mother that I was signing up for some on-line courses,  because I was missing some prerequisites I need to enroll for a degree that I'm considering. 

She said "if you need help paying we'll be glad to assist."

Why does such an offer make my blood boil? Isn't it nice of my mom to try to help me get back on my feet, to help my try to create a more rewarding life for myself?  No because when it counts, when it came to the support I really needed, whether financial or emotional, at critical life junctions both in childhood and adulthood, there was no support forthcoming, only threats. 

This offer is a token, a token to say that she treats all her daughters equally. But My mom could pay for my whole degree now and it wouldn't be enough for me. 

But maybe, just maybe, could this be her way of saying sorry or is that my little  fantasy? Cuz really that's the only only thing I want from them. 

Aren't I to old for this shit? I should be  past all this anger. It's not like I was beaten and abused like some people I  know.

why OTD and liberal judaism 2 separate planets?

Why does liberal Judaism not exist in the ex-Orthodox community?

I'm not saying it doesn't exist for individuals- but those individuals who choose it generally aren't, or don't remain part of the ex-Orthodox community. Why not? 

This is one of the reason I don't hang there any more- I'm a liberal Jew and I just don't fit in. 

Liberal Judaism barely even comes up for discussion. ( examples )

One exception is On Her Own . But in general people act like it doesn't even exist, that there are people and institutions that are perfectly cool with you not believing in Torah but being interested in Judaism, even passionate, and being observant at varying levels, (some very observant). Granted those people are a minority but still they do exist with educational and communal institutions. And being aware of there existence doesn't mean you have to be them, just give them their respectful due.

Reason #2: the whole marriage trap

 (See also my post A Nice Lady Who Didn't Have a Husband for more info.)

Reason number II on why I have had difficulty getting my life moving is the overwhelming feeling promoted in the frum community, and the Jewish community as a whole although not as strong, that my existence is totally m eaningless without marriage and /or children.

In my conscious self, I fought against this idea but deep inside it had a strong hold as ever.

So, I was never able to make a long term and financial commitment whether to a particular educational or career path, (including a career opportunity in another country) for fear I wouldn't be able to find someone to marry, or that I wouldn't be able to complete it due to marriage and kids. 

In addition, when I got on in age I began to entertain disastrous relationships, feeling that these guys who treated me like shit, might be my last chance.

I wish I could have truly believed in my own self worth as a single person deep inside, could have envisioned a happy though childless me. I suppose I never would have gotten myself into this mess. Hope it turns out for the best.

It's funny I had to get pregnant to realize that this child isn't going to magically make me a person.What a burden to put on this poor kid. 

I had imagined that just being pregnant would make me ecstatic (and indeed I do have such moments) but mostly it just reignited all these conflicting feelings from the past.Which is why I started blogging again after all this time....

In a certain way I owe it to my kid, as well as to myself,  I think to create a fulfilling life for myself outside of motherhood....  my options are more limited but they are there and I'll find them.

Reason #1: College

I think the most important reason for my difficulty in getting my life moving began when I was 18- by not going to college.
I see that for many people college was a Major turning point.
Deep inside me I knew it would be. I so wanted to go to college. I hid college brochures in my drawer
One time I even went over to the local public school to see if the guidance counselor over there would help me. He didn't. .

I didn't need college to be able to question my beliefs- I was already doing that. I needed college because it would have given me:

An opportunity for social interaction (never my strong point) outside of the frum world at an age when I was still young enough to be more adaptable

Although I was never a socialite, in a large diverse college, I would have most likely been able to find some social corner that appealed to me- jewish student groups, feminist student groups, or religious questioners from various faiths and so forth.

It would have given me a structure to fall back on, to make it easier to step away from the frum structure, to make examining new things less fearful.

It would have given me purposeful activity. .

It would have opened my eyes to various career possibilities, including role models who were actually engaged in them..

Why I didn't go:

Didn't have money to go. and Didn't know of any other way.

I thought of going to community college but was afraid of facing off with my parents (who may have "compromised" by sending me to Touro), and didn't want to live at home.

So i chose a Seminary instead where I got to live in the dorm.

At the time getting away from home seemed a much more urgent matter; That was a mistake, i could have likely held out two more years at the community college and then transfered.

(Only I didn't know there was such a thing, and that financial and work options might open up. I didn't know the system).

how this affected my life:

Never became comfortable in a non frum environment. never made a non jewish friend. eventually I returned to the frum community although not fully observant..

never pursued career options that might have been more appropriate for me.

A successful life

I got to the point where I just hated OTD blogs. I stopped reading them because they made me depressed.

They made me depressed because so many of them seemed to have built successful lives for themselves while I couldn't

The person I hated most was abandoning eden.

My baby's father asked me what a successful life is

A successful life of course is in the eyes of the beholder- actually the one living it. but I think there are a number of  common factors involved and that at least a couple of them are required for most people to feel satisfied with their life.  . .

They include some of the following, in no particular order.

1-financial growth

2- having found a soulmate and life partner

3- having good close friends

4- playing a leadership role, in any context, even a minor one,

5-  successful in a career that they enjoy and find meaningful

6- raising children according to their own values, and having a good relationship with them

7-engaged in creative  activity other than career

I think it really only takes a couple of these things. But None of those things applied to me. Some of them are really just a matter of luck, but still fail like a failure even so. .

Of course not all OTD's are like that, in fact MOST of the OTD or quasi OTD friends that I have in person fit into my category- stumbling along at life. Perhaps that is because like is attracted to like. .

So In the next post I'm going to analyze why exactly I have not been able to get my act together.

Some things are my fault, some are my parents and society's fault. We'll see. 

things I would ask my dad if i dared

what kind of  parent was your father? what do you think of his methods?

how did your sister's marriage happen? how did the divorce happen?

what was your relationship with her?