Tales from Sem

"I'm having so much fun here....
"We've been trying to get up on top of the roof, and the entrance is locked! Finally one of the girls figured out how to open it with a pliers...
"We sneaked into the kitchen one night... all we found was some old stale bread... but it was so much fun..."

I'm a bit envious. In my day the girls were so docile. I don't remember taking part in any pranks. Or maybe that's just because I wasn't socially highly integrated like she is. I'm glad my little sis is having such a great time. and I hope she's not faking it, like I was. (... just like camp, I was convinced sem was great, and I was just miserable because something was wrong with ME).

But speaking of camp, I am a bit concerned about these "campy" antics. I wonder whether these girls independence spirit are being channeled away from where they are really needed, such as the intellectual realm for one, or in a way that preserves for them some actual independence and ability to make there own decision about there whereabouts and activities (I'm afraid even to ask if they're still locked in like Saudi Arabia, like they did in my day).

Hopefully, one type of independence will reinforce the other.

But still, I am concerned that their independent spirits are being relegated to a realm that doesn't threaten the powers that be, and only serves to reinforces their role as mischievious children instead of blooming adults and people to be reckoned with.

African Judaism in context

American Jewish multicultural initiatives have embraced these as their own.
The conservative movement has been especially involved in outreach to the Abayudaya, arranging for halachic conversions and ordaining one of its members as a Rabbi. Beyond sending teachers, Kulanu has also engaged in financial sponsorship, such as an income generation project in Sefwi (involving factory produced challa covers), funding Schools for the Abayudaya (and children from the outside) and chanelling famine relief for the surrounding communities through them.

Jewish visitors to some of these communities wax eloquent on how devout and heartfelt, these communities Jewish practice is, how they are moved by the devotion, sincerity and sense of authenticity. They point excitedly to remnants of supposed "Hebrew" practices, no matter how farfetched, eg circumcision which is ubiqitious throughout Africa, or a history of animal sacrifices in pre-colonial times, and enthusiastically proclaim to have found their long lost brothers and point to a rosy future for an intercultural multiracial, new face of Judaism.

Yet for all these detailed reports about sabbath dinners and wedding ceremonies, the background context of these developments is sorely missing which is, of course, African Christianity. Christianity is barely mentioned except as a historical bynote, not as an influential force and encompassing context for these developments, though it is clear that the very introduction of Judaism at all, arrived in these parts of Africa through Christian missionaries, and the influence of the role that Christianity continues to play in African communities.

full article

Gender and Cross Cultural Epistemology

Over the past few years I have been studying systems of thought.
"Indigenous" "Native" "Traditional" thought.

And, of course, "Western thought," as the contrast point for the others.

Much of it his hard to grasp, but על רגל אחת, it seems that these other systems differ from western thought in that western thought, based on the greeks is linear, while the other systems are cyclical/ webbed/ connective. I don't have the exact word for it. It's hard to undestand without actually experiencing it. Anyway, According to one article I read this is because the greeks developed the earliest widely literate society and literacy changes everything- literacy is the basis for comparison between past and present, which in turn enables a progressive, goal oriented mindset, a standard of objective verifiability, hence knowledge of history, emphasis on scientific accuracy etc, individualism as the individual becomes less dependent on the collective for knowledge, perspective, and awareness.

I read one great book on Asian thought as compared to "Western" thought, forgot the title unforutnately. Quite well researched with numerous psychological studies. Some but not all was similar- for example the collective sense, the relational mindset as opposed to the singular, linear- eg chinese kids speak an equal number of verbs (words that show the relationship, the context) as nouns (singular disattached items) while american the same age know predominantly nouns. Just one example.

The book also had some comparison studies. In one it compared Men to Women and Asian to Western. What was more predictive, gender or culture? It turned out that culture was much more predictive. Men and women from the same culture had much more in common with eachother, than with members of the same gender from another culture.
But still, a slight gender difference was noted, with women having a greater tendency towards the non-western forms of thought.

Some of these were: -Value placed on emotion, intuition as opposed to the greek emphasis on linear rational progression.

-Process orientation (focusing on the flow)vs. goal orientation (focus on a final, disembodies result).

-Myth, symbolism and meaningfulness over factual accuracy.

-Value placed on relationships instead of tasks.

-Subjective relationship with time- therefore lateness.

Things like that- most of which in our culture have been categorized (and often castigated) as feminine.

On the flip side, in my studies of cultural thought systems, I often found essentialist-feminist literature romanticizing over those good ole non western ways of thought which they characterized as "feminine." But what is striking is that when describing other cultures, none of these are depicted as essentialist to women. Not all of those societies are especially women friendly either.

(For an excellent, gender-irrelevant analysis of this mindset, as experienced by Ethiopian olim in their clash with modern society, see Miri Levin Rosales, Social Representations as Emerging from Social Structure: The Case of the Ethiopian Immigrants to Israel (click on volume 9)

So, what makes them feminine? Perhaps the femininity inherent in the traditional primitive mindset is simply woman's marginality to the cultural institutions that dominate our intellectional landscape, and lesser exposure to the Greek Western mind.

How to be a better Lover (a guide for for young frum men)

Why a guide for frum men? Not because you aren't as good a man as any one else out there- quite the opposite. But because you are likely to be married to someone who hasn't had a chance to discover her sexuality yet.

So now you're finding that reality with this chick isn't anything like you imagined it would be and your feeling totally at a loss, searching desperately for the right trick.

Some of you guys think it's about technique, and you just have to learn the magic tough, or find the magic button. Well, you've got it all wrong. Sure, it's always nice to have a neat little trick up your sleeve, but face it, those neat little tricks are usually more what you want from us than what we want from you.

Being a good lover isn't about technique. It's not about what you do and how, it's about when. To be a good lover you don't need to know what to do as much as you need to know what NOT. and when not.

I bet sometimes you think that if you just push and poke just a little more in the right spots, you'll somehow jiggle her into the mood. NOT! If it was going to work, it would have worked right away. If it didn't it won't. It might get her to give in in the short run, just to get you off her ass already, but then she'll avoid you for the next two weeks, plus keep getting all pissed off for something trivial (bad sex can really breed resentment!) so is it really worth it??? Lay off. Less is more.

Remember that simple equation. More bad sex = less good sex. It's really quite simple.

Remember the importance of non-sexual physical affection (this goes for ALL women). Sometimes you just gotta hug or cuddle without expecting for anything more. If you don't do that even your simple hugs will become toxic. And if SHE seems to want more, play it cautiously. Don't kill it! Respond, but go slow. Stay one step behind her. Wait til she screams for it. Because eventually she will. Your good girl will turn into a bad girl soon enough. But only if you play your cards right. but השבעתי אתכם םא תעירו אם תעוררו את האהבה עד שתחפץ.

This dude I know got divorced because by the time his wife got interested, he had given up already and was looking in greener pastures. He wouldn't respond to her because he didn't know how to do that without drowning hers out, and things would go back to the old pattern. So at that point just when the tide was about to turn, he just ignored her. He quit.

Don't let that be you!!!

Homecoming

once upon a time there were two brothers.

they lived in a house which though small and simple,
was surrounded by fields, and sunshine,
rivers and lakes, and mountains, and orchards full of olives, pomegranites and citrus fruit.

both boys thought that it was the most wonderful place in the world.

But one day,

soldiers came.

Run! yelled the first brother to the other. Follow me!

But smoke was filling the house and the sounds of explosions were filling the air and the second brother couldn't see or hear.

So he ran and hid in the basement.

The first brother ran and ran. He had no idea where he was but he kept running. He ran until he could run no more and collapsed.

When he awoke, he looked around and found himself alone on a dusty road. He looked around, seeing nothing familiar. "Where am I?" He panicked in alarm. "And where is my brother?" His brother must have been hit in the gunfire! Now he was truly alone.

And he had nothing. Not even a sip of water.

A man was walking down the road.

"Excuse me," said the first brother. "Might you have some water or food to share with me?"

"What can you pay me?" said the man?

"I have no money, but I'll come work for you," said the first brother.

"very well," said the man. "Come with me to my home and family.

Thus began a new era is the first brother's life. He worked very hard, hoping he had finally found a place to call his own. But when he was done there, he was sent to another family. And then another, and another. He was often mistreated and often went hungry. Lonely and tired, in the dark of night he would think about his old life, though he could barely remember it.

"One day I'll go back home," he thought. "One day I'll return to my little house."

He began to stay up late and study. He learned new languages. He bought new clothes, and earned some money. It wasn't easy but he was determined. "I must make money," he thought. "I must get home."

Finally one day, he went. He journeyed long and far. And suddenly, he saw it! There in the distance, old and run down, was a little house! He ran, opened the door, and threw himself inside, and began kissing the old worn out floor. "Home!" he cried, tears forming in his eyes. "Home! I'm finally home!"

Suddenly he heard a noise behind him. A man stood there. "Who are you?" said the man.

"I'm the boy who lived in this house! I've come home! I've suffered and traveled and been thrown about. I lost everything I had, I lost my own brother, but I'm finally back! I'm going to take this little house and build it into a palace!"

The man stood silent for a moment. He looked over the traveler's jacket and boots, and his language with a new accent he didn't recognized. "You're not my brother." He declared. "My brother was killed in the gunfire. I don't know who you are. And this is my house, the house I was born and raised. Kindly leave now."

"No!" said first brother. "I was the one who was born here. and MY brother was killed in the gunfire. I don't recognize you. Your clothes are tattered and you speak like a hick. YOU get out."

The man raised a fist.

"Oh no you don't!" said first brother. He stuck out his boot and gave a kick. The man tripped and fell and than ran for cover in the basement. "Good!" yelled first brother. "That's where you'll stay!"

"No I won't!" said the man. "I'll get rid of you one day!" But he eventually settled down in the basement, while his brother settled into the top floor which he refurbished with rugs, furniture and artwork, truly a place fit for a king.

But in the back of his mind he knows that second brother still fumes and plots from his place in the basement, and in the deep nights in his silken beddings, he still lies awake frozen with fear, much like he used to on the hard ground, in his days as a wandering youth.

And they lived happily ever after.

why i am observant

"The Outside, Non-Indian world is tribeless, full of wandering singular soulds, seeking connection through societies, clubs, and other groups. White people know what it is to be a family, but to be a tribe is something of an altogether different sort. It provides a feeling of inclusion in something larger, of having a set place in the universe where one always belongs. It provides connectedness and a blueprint for how to live."

"Most Americans have lost their tribal identities although at one time, most likely, everyone belonged to a tribe."

-Lori Arviso Arvold, The Scalpel and the Silver Bear

Truth as an expanding cycle

"Every issue has its own levels of truth. Levels of truth move in a progression. As one grows and increases in awareness, her or his levels of truth move from the superficial to the more profound....

"As people move along the various levels of truth, they are less likely to attack those who are still at the levels through which they have already passed. When this does happen... it is usually related to the fact that one must fully affirm one's own level before moving on to the next....

"If one tries to move too quickly through the levels, she or he gets stuck. And if one refuses to move on to a new level when it is time, she or he stagnates....

"...As one move along the levels of truth, each new level is almost always the opposite of the previous one. Although this gives the appearance of inconsistency, it actually represents a growth in awareness. When one looks only at two adjacent levels of truth, they may give the appearance of a dualism or dialectic, but this is not the case. Nevertheless they look that way when one views them statically and not as part of a process. Although several levels of truth may look behaviorally similar, they are attitudinally very different...."

"The approach to wisdom is a ripening and ongoing process. Wisdom in itself is a process, not a product."

-Anne Wilson Shaef, 1981

_____________

Examples by Kisarita:
-Clothes. (See CLOTHES post from sidebar). Keeping the rules (stage one) morphs into Dressing well to rebel (stage 2) which morphs into dressing poorly, also to rebel in another way, to beat them in their own game. This morphs into "clothes and externalities are unimportant" and concomitant dressing to fit in and accomodate. Now morphing into Clothes as an important part of self expression. This looks alot like stage 2 but is entirely different, just as dressing as a conscious choice to accomodate looks alot like stage one but feels entirely different. Both represent moves towards greater connection and authenticity, while the earlier stages show the birth only of a dim awareness.

-Sexuality. This is an experience common to many frum women, and possibly many non frum women as well. When we are still children, we are taught to guard ourselves, not to tempt men to be "nichshal." As we grow we absorb messages not to be cheap, not to become polluted and dirty by sexual activity, to keep ourselves pure. Well at a certain point, say as we hit our late 20s or so and still unmarried, we stop feeling so pure and start feeling like fryeriyot. We see movies like the 40 year old virgin and begin to view our previous purity as a stigma. Some of us engage in promiscuous behavior in a desperate attempt to make up for what we've been missing. But as time passes, most of us slow down, and looking around and listening for our inner cues, realize we don't really want to be doing this. We revert to conservative behavior again (less conservative than our childhoods, but still conservative...) , but there's a world of difference between the conservative behavior now, and the conservative behavior of our youth. One is out of self respect, the other out of self denigration. But you never know, one of these days i may just end up as a dirty old lady.

-Gender. Much like the rest of society, I started out angry and angsty, and dealt with it by transgendering myself- by becoming as masculine as possible. Later on, still angry I adopted a certain female supremacy, the type espoused by Schaef herself. But as I became comfortable with femininity, the anger dissipated, and I also became comfortable with the idea of masculinity in a positive sense- an admiration and an attraction toward a certain energy and drive that I see as masculine. But greater comfort with gender differences doesnt mean It's the same as the rigid essentialism I was indoctrinated with in my youth.

-Religious observance. I wrote this post (most of it) on Shabbos. I did it because I was bored and restless, had a sudden inspiration, and despite my whole past eco-theology, couldn't see any meaning in refraining from doing so.

Where does that place me on the levels of truth? Does it mean the Sabbath itself is losing meaning or me? Or that I will be finding a new way of celebrating it? Does it mean that I am stagnating? Or moving to a new level?

-Religious observance on a generational level: Both my parents chose ultra orthodoxy and rejected the borderline-orthodox communities they were raised in- 1950's style materialism and superficiality. Both of them were seeking something larger, something truer, something more authentic, more transcendant. They thought they had found it, and perhaps for a while they did.
I continued on the path that they left off; The world that they brought me into was stunted, stagnant and superficial to me. I too sought out something truer and better than what they had left me. At this point in time my observance is much like the communities they rejected. But in terms of thought, depth, and meaning, it's a world apart.

And the next generation remains to be seen.

Christian theological paradigm applied by feminist psychology

"....As I worked with these women and watched them work with one another, I suddenly became aware that I was witnessing attempts to cope with the Original Sin of Being Born Female. To be born female in this culture means that you are "tainted," that there is something intrinsically wrong with you that you can never change, that your birthright is one of innate inferiority....

"According to the theological concept of Original Sin, there is no real justification by works. Women can never absolve themselves of their Original Sin of Being Born Female....

"Some women use goodness as a strategy for absolution. We become very good. We overwhelm ourselves and those around us with our unquestionable goodness... Somehow, we believe that if we are just good enough, we will be absolved of our Original Sin of Being Born Female. It never works...."

"Remember that in the Original Sin concept, we can only be Saved with the help and intervention of an outside intermediary. We are taught that we will be all right if we can only attach ourselves to an innnately superior being, a man, who will then intercede for us. We will feel good again. We will be absolved."

-Ann Wilson Schaef (1981)

clothes and gender theology

In the masculine system "living in tune with God means getting in tune with something outside the self.... one is expected to reshape oneself according to these external criteria of goddness..... In the female system, living in tune with god means being in tune with what one already is....

"Idolatry is the abortion of the process of being, and sin is alienation from that process. Women are often accused of being selfish when we cease to focus solely on others and begin to respect and follow our own process. I have observed that whenever a woman, or a man, for that matter, is in tune with her own process, she never harms herself or others. She may do things that others do not like or appreciate, but she does not harm them. When we are out of tune with our internal process, though, we distort ourselves and are often destructive to others. This is the true meaning of sin."

-Anne Wilson Schaef, Women's Reality. 1981.

__________

I have thought about this a lot, in relation to my accomodationist behavior out of respect to my family.

One of the primary ways this played out was in the area of dress.(See related post, Clothes)

I considered it a mark of maturity, not to be as petty and superficial and hung up on externalities as they were. Yet, was it maturity or cowardice? Wasn't adopting a dress style just the tip of the iceberg of a demand that I create an entire false, externally dictated persona as well? Did I not pay the price of falseness? And did I not pay the price, by leading myself to declare that clothes and appearance were unimportant, don't I now look now not nearly as good as I could?

I want to stop accomodating. I want to wear whatever I want and go visit whomever I want, looking however I want, myself, not in a disguise. No I won't harm them. I'll just displease them.

Perhaps this is not an issue of maturity or cowardice but different levels of awareness.... see upcoming post.

Nothing to fear but fear itself

Fear plagues my life.

There are so many things that I haven't done for fear of taking the plunge. So many false starts, shoulds, coulds, and what ifs.

I've been told that I was a really timid and shy kid. Some personality traits are in born; I rememember my little sis at age 1, who is like me in may ways, hiding under the table the sound of any mechanical noise. But as I've previously stated (see my post Learned Helplessness), the infuence of conditioning can't be underestimated either. I don't recall anything from those years so I couldn't say for sure, but I do know that at age 12 I was punished by being grounded for a week, just for walking at night with some friends, the length of one block, in a commercial area.

The other day I was in the park with my nephew Shmully. He stood on the outside of the gate to the enclosed swings area as I stood on the inside, pushing his toddler sister.

"Ki!" he called. "Come pick me up and take me over!"

"You gotta climb," I told him, "but I'll help you." So I held his arms, and he climbed and climbed. He climbed until he was at the top of the gate. "Do you want to walk along the top of the gate?" I asked him. "I'll hold you." "No," he said. "It's scary up here."

A few minutes later he was back on the other side! (Kids do that, they like these annoying repetitive "games"). "Ki!" he called. "Help me climb over!" So I did. But A few minutes later, there he was again! But this time, he was at the top. He had climbed up all by himself! But not only that, He was crawling along at the scary top of the fence, crawling on his hands and knees. I had an urge to run and catch him. Or at least stand right next to him, holding my arms out. "Ki!" he called. "Look at me!" I held my breath, and held the urge in. "I can go all the way to the end of the gate!" he called.

The lady next to me gave me a disapproving look. "There's no padding on the floor over there," she told me. But I stood rooted to the spot. Finally Shmully made it to the end of the gate, hoisted himself over and hung until he could reach the ground. Finally I let go and exploded on him with a shower of hugs and kisses.

"I'm gonna do it again now," he said nonchalantly.

I will remember this incident for a long time, he will likely forget it tomorrow. Yet while it will have relatively little impact on my life, I hope it will have an impact on his.